The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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