Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
