just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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