What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
