P.S. I can't hear my feet
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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