I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
