he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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