before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
