So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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