Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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