I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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