coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
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