I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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