There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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