My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Drake has all the answers
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
