I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
