i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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