If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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