Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
