I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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