So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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