On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
