Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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