apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
