I think I won the penis lottery.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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