It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
