I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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