What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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