Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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