Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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