Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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