Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
