I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
