you have to choose: penises or morals?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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