oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
