my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
