This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Randomize
