First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
being pregnant is like rehab
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
