Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
