and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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