I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
