I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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