beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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