final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
