I wish I could teleport
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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