I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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