I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
