He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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