I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
