My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
